Consider this…..

There are numerous issues about in the world. People tend to either flock together and rise against or rise in defense. Some people choose to turn a blind eye. Some people formulate their own opinion but refuse to speak up. At the end of the day the sheep are the ones to be heard. So world issues, hmmm, not my thing. I’m one of those who don’t really pay much attention to it. I hate politics. I live in the now and if it doesn’t directly affect me I don’t care. I know that’s not great practice, I should care where are future is going, but I don’t. I conquer one day at a time.

That being said, these same types of people apply these behaviors to small scale issues. Take your workplace, you have the sheep, the ones who ignore, and the ones who have options but won’t share them. Which one of these types are you?

The problem? We these people who were raised to be entitled, to believe that the world owes them something, they were taught to speak if something offended them, they were taught to manipulate and to win. The problem with these people is that they didn’t pay attention in school, they are uneducated. On top of that, the people that fight back against them are far less educated. One example, the removal of the “confederate flag” many people don’t realize that there were many flags for the confederate states. None of which are whAt the dispute was over. That flag, the one all know so well, is the battle flag, not the flag for the 13 confederate states. These are the original flags. And there were a few adopted in…..

Sorry I got a little preachy, that’s one dispute I will never understand. We learn from our history not abolish it. However, watching people fight over it made it very obvious that people didn’t even know what they were fighting for. NO fight can be won with ignorant followerS. Let me say it again NO FIGHT CAN BE WON WITH IGNORANCE!

Just like the black lives matter situation. Don’t get me wrong, blacks have been wronged and still are and yes their lives matter. So do whites, yellows, browns, and purples. Ninety five percent of the people following that movement are sheep. They either follow because of the title, or they are against it because of the title. Sheep. Sad pathetic ignorant sheep. At least know what you are fighting for.

Policeman have to travel in twos now. Because ignorant sheep want to stand up against them. Well, we haven’t killed all the football players because there’s a few bad apples. What about teachers? Man I can’t count how many teachers done some bad shit, but we don’t hate all teachers. You get the point. Not all cops are bad. I used to get searched every time I rolled thru town, they would tear apart my car, watch my house, harass me and search my house on the regular because of the company I kept. Know what set me apart from the company I kept, I never disrespected the law. They were doing their job, and even when they were not and were getting out of line I was not disrespectful in that moment, I went above them and settled it. The reactions and attitudes people have towards law enforcement are why many of them are getting shit. Just saying.

YouTube, social media, twitter and all that other mess make it worse. Instead of educating people spread hate, conspiracy and ignorance. Look at how bad it got when trump was elected. Doesn’t matter which side of the fence you stood on, pickets turned into riots turned into deaths. The president got the blame for all of it. I didn’t realize trump had that much power, to make people express such ignorance.

See what happens when I get involved in politics. I get mad at the way people behave and present themselves. Not because of the issues they have but how they present themselves. The women’s rights march was a prime example…… they had a few good speakers but for the most part they left trash in the streets many dressed as if they belonged on the corner, and most of their dialogue was illogical. Please don’t say you represent me. It wasn’t what they were fighting for, it’s how they done it. And that’s what makes me mad. Why are we not educating ourselves? The only real weapon against any challenge is knowledge? People have gotten so lazy they would rather just sit back and believe someone else’s speeches. SHEEP……….

I’ll leave you with my favorite quote from game of thrones “in a world full of sheep, be a dragon.” -Tyrion Lannister

Be an educated dragon, and find the right ways to voice your opinion. Don’t wage a war against ourselves like all the others. Be a fucking dragon and don’t follow the sheep.

Anxiety and relationships

The whole world is different through each persons eyes. It is scientifically proven that women see more vivid colors than men and that women perceive and process things differently. Yet, this is not the only thing that sets us apart. Every person on earth has anxiety. Each person experiences anxiety differently. Some learn coping skills and successfully overcome their anxiety and some people struggle with an increased anxiety. Due to the shit that I’ve been through, my anxiety increases in situations.

Close your eyes. See the darkness, feel the darkness. Ever see and feel that with your eyes open? Now imagine, the walls around you are black and moving in slowly, inch by inch. Got that? Nervous yet? No. Alright, so now imagine the walls spinning around, slowly. Nothing with anxiety moves fast. Now, finally, imagine 1000 lbs of weights sitting on your chest. That’s what it feels like every time I get anxious. When my husband wants to go see his friends, take me around his family, drives to close to semis, tells me he’s going to work, or even when I sit at home alone. Notice how a lot of those deal with my husband? It may seem as he’s a major source of my anxiety, and he probably is (we have quite a history) but all men cause these stressors in me because of my history with them. It’s difficult many days just going to work. I am paranoid a lot. I know I am not the type of person most want to be around and that’s fine. I feel as if people talk about me a lot, make fun of me a lot. I know that that’s partly due to the anxiety. The rest is just senseless paranoia and mistrust in others. People don’t realize how difficult it can be from day to day to deal with anxiety and be nervous about everything.

Kids, behaving is out!

Kids are humorous and nerve wracking. I never thought I would be challenged so much as I have been with my hoodlems. I began motherhood with a bad marriage. Two kids later it all ended with divorce. As a single mom, I depended on my children a lot, especially my eldest. We made it work even though they were very young, the three of us made great strides. I worked night shift, barely slept, went to college classes and got a degree. Now here I am, remarried and in a job I love. Now that the struggle isn’t as bad, seems my kids have less appreciation and more attitude. I have never been disrespected this much in my life and it truly saddens me. My eldest pushing preteen years feels it is okay to lie, steal, and talk back consistently. My youngest is meaner than the devil. Being the youngest, cruelty is a talent. My youngest will beat the holy snow out of someone and never think twice, and wouldn’t dare lie about it. But maybe the age range has something to do with that. The temper tantrums when nothing goes the way it’s expected are unreal with the young one. However, the eldest is my biggest issue. Always complaining and whining and talking back about everything. Maybe they are just spoiled. Maybe they need anger management. Hell, I have no answers. All I know, is pushing buttons is their favorite past time.

I wonder if not having to depend on them for my sanity has made a difference. Now that I’m remarried and I have help, I try to let them be kids. Maybe the responsibility is missed. Either way the attitude is growing worse by day, and all I can do is hope it gets better. Leaves me thinking where I messed up raising them because I would never behave in such a manor.

Coparenting….

This is a controversial subject. Many do not know where to go with it. I have been divorced for some time and we struggle still today with coparenting. We get along great. His new wife and I even get along. However, she is still jealous and afraid we will get back together and that puts a strain on everything. She does not get along with my kids so that makes it hard when they are with her. I invite them to family functions and yet, they never show up, crushing my kids hearts. We don’t even have regular visits set up, it’s whenever they have time for them. On the other side of the spectrum, I am blessed with being a stepmom. My husband and his ex split some time ago. It was such a rocky split that things were quite difficult for awhile. Soon though, and thousands of dollars in attorney fees later we are working things out. We have a set visitation schedule and alter it per the others work schedule. We babysit for each other, and get along well. We invite each other to family functions and we do things together. She and her family is more involved with my kids than my ex and his family are.

So my question is, what is successful coparenting? Just the parents getting along? Both parents fully active in the kids lives? See I live on two sides of the spectrum and though I know I can’t force change, I wonder if I couldn’t do more to be helpful and make things better. I wonder if my actions cause negative things with both parties. All I want is for everyone to get along and all the babies to grow up knowing each other as brother and sister. That is out of my control, I fear. And that is my biggest struggle!

Morning

This morning I sit and ponder many things. One being, why is it so cold!!! Oh my and we are expecting snow this weekend! I really need to move to a warmer climate. I hate winter time! I have really impressed myself this week. I am up and at it early. I am making time to clean up dishes before I go to work, change out laundry and keep things picked up. I also have a goal of 3000 steps a day (which I don’t make most days) and I am on a 9 day record of taking my meds without missing. This is a great accomplishment for me. I became lazy and unorganized from the time me and my husband reconciled. I had him doing a lot while I “relaxed”. Now that he can’t it’s been a struggle to get back in the groove. So far whatever changed is working because I am moving right along.

Following that, I struggle with finding my happy. I get trapped in the mundane everyday tasks and find it difficult to be happy. My husband once said I was impossible to make happy and I carry that with me everyday. We struggle when I am in a sour mood a lot of the time, be it from my kids and their sassy mouths or work not going well. I let these things bring me down in a way that I bring everyone down around me. They say diet can change a lot of things, and we have changed our diets a lot already. I don’t think we will ever be as healthy as we should be, but we do well. My husband also tells me that I need a hobby. The simple things I like cost money and I am working too hard to get ahead to spend money on a “past time”. I find myself spending less time and less time on social media because it’s nothing more than complaints, advertisements, and falsehoods. I don’t want to see people pretending to be who they are not nor do I want to spend my time reading bogus things. Most of my spare time is now consumed with reading blogs on WordPress (if you have one you think I may like please post a link) I also read short stories on the hooked app, and I listen to podcasts when driving now. I have made great strides in improving my lifestyle and I am not there yet, but I will be…….

Is It Too Much?

As the day comes to a close and I am sitting on my porch watching the traffic cruise my road, I am left in solitude with my thoughts. I am unsure about anyone else, but this is my peaceful time. My children are in bed, my husbands at work and the house is peaceful. It’s the only moments in my life that I don’t have to answer a thousand questions or rush to do something.

Though this is my moment of peace, my brain doesn’t stop working. I’m wondering about a lot of things. Tonight, I am curious of others opinions. Social media. Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. I have never, myself, used Twitter so my opinions and thoughts will be directed only to Facebook and Instagram. I understand blogging better than I do social media. People post their entire lives on social media. I do it too at times. Though, I am unsure why I do. I am sure there is some deep seeded psychological need for approval or acceptance, maybe even to show how happy my family is. However, I see many posting about hateful things. I see people being disrespectful. I recently deleted some people off of my friends list simply because they cause my family drama. I received the third degree from everyone around for removing them. It seems as if our friendship is only valid if we are friends on Facebook or Instagram. Why do we need to see our favorite celebrities every moment? Why do we have to have Facebook to be connected to our families? This is the age of technology, why don’t people actually call or text the people they are interested in? Let’s not forget using Facebook to snoop. I am guilty of it. When my stepson wasn’t allowed at my house, I was all the time snooping to see what was going on. To me it seems Facebook is a little much. Why is it so hard to delete and leave it deleted? Why do we have a need to show the world pictures of our families?

I am not sure about you all but most people don’t care what I post, nor do they look at my pictures. I am unsure why I continue to do it. Is there some kind of validation in Facebook that people search for? Is this a habit that should be broken? Does social media affect the mental health? Especially, if one is already broken mentally, is it really a good idea.

I would appreciate some ideas here, and if you don’t mind throw in your age range. I’d love to see the difference in opinions among the different ages.

Thoughts over my porch is cold……

Changes among changes

I received recent news that my children are struggling with extremely elevated cholesterol. Anyone who knows anything about health knows that news brings diet change. They are young, medicating is not an option. I have one picky eater and one that eats everything. I am now looking at diet changes to assist in bringing it down for them. I will be documenting the journey here. We are a very meat and potatoes family, so this shall be a major change.

I like so many others jumped in balls deep and cut out potatoes, adding vegetables. I cut out pasta and red meat. Two weeks doing this and my children would not eat. Not to mention I felt as if I was starving. I quickly realized that changing out foods so drastically so quickly was devastating to my children.

I’m moving backward. We took a week break from the new diet. Last week, we began again. Our goal for now is no red meat. I use lean ground turkey instead of ground beef. So I am still using my same recipes for meatloaf, chili, even hamburger helper and just using ground turkey instead. I also added a vegetable to their dinner. They have to eat the veggie before they get the rest of the dinner. Right now we are doing carrots and applesauce. For our carrots I add a little honey so that they are sweet. We have been doing this for a week and I will continue through this week. Next week, we will add one more change. Any suggestions or recipes you enjoy for picky eaters?

Depression and pills

Anyone like the beach? I love the beach. That’s where I go in my head a lot of times. Today has been an incredibly rough day. When you are under the hand of depression, there’s no real cure. No medication, no diet, and no amount of happy will fully take that away. There will always be good days and bad days. Today, I felt as if I had to mask who I was and what I felt just to appear okay to my coworkers. Then once I got home, I could relax. NOT! My husband instantly knew today was not a good day. He is such a good man, he attempted to make me feel better. Which did not work, as it never does on the bad days. I wish he understood. Once you go under with depression, your just floating right below the water and there’s no real way to get to the top to see and hear clearly. I am always stressed and he sees that. It pains him. I wish I could control it.

So the doctors put me on medication some time ago. I am a huge advocate for removing the right from pcp’s to prescribe medication. I fully one hundred percent believe that a therapist should be involved in treatment. And I’m a hypocrite because I am not seeing a therapist, but I know me right? Wrong! That’s one step that I should take anyways….. let me tell you how easy it was. I said doc, my kids are stressing me out and I can’t take it. Days are getting harder.” and she replied that I had anxiety and she prescribed me some meds. I was skeptical so I did some research first. In my case I knew she was right. Anxiety and depression is something I’ve struggled with for a very long time. I have a fascination for mental health therefore, I felt the prescription was accurate. Turns out that it works really well for me. But what about those that don’t need it? Pcp’s that are not mental health trained are misdiagnosing and falsely medicating too many people every year.

Don’t even get me started on adhd and odd diagnosis.

I wish people would just take the time to learn basics of depression, and those suffering were able to find a coping skill that works. For me, talking writing making things and watching game of thrones are about the best things that I can do. In the busyness of being a mom, wife and employee, it’s not like there’s a lot of time for anything.

First Blog

There are many things in this world I find dissatisfying. There are also many things in my life that I’d like to change. This blog isn’t about views, or others. It’s about progressing through my story and struggles in hopes to assist someone else in their adventure in life. I was born an outcast of my family. I am on my second marriage, I have kids and stepkids. I struggle with anxiety and depression. I am remarried. I work, my husband works, and we struggle through many things. At the end of the day we are very blessed to be where we are and going where we are going. Determination is one thing I have never lacked, and some days I have bad days, but everyday I’m determined to make the next better. I am not where I want to be as a wife or mother, but I steadily work to change that. I battle many demons, and new challenges everyday. This blog is just to share these mysteries, struggles and ways we have conquered the struggles and maybe one day it will help someone else.